My baby would have been one later this week. I’m finding this anniversary really hard and I don’t know what to do to mark what would have been her birthday.

Jean Simons, our Helpline manager says:
"Anniversaries are particularly difficult, and we hear from many parents on our Helpline who like to talk and share memories of their baby especially at these times.  Families choose to mark anniversaries in many ways often depending on whether there are brothers and sisters.  Parents often take already established family traditions for celebrating birthdays.  A special meal or picnic, with a birthday cake, a family trip or visit to a special place, and little ceremonies such as releasing a balloon or lighting a candle are often mentioned.  A Memory Box, with letters, drawings and photos added every year is a precious habit for many families. FSID has an In Memory website where families and friends can post tributes or 'light a candle' or make a donation at special times."

Kelly died of cot death six years ago. I’ve now got a new partner and he would like us to start a family of our own. I can’t stop thinking about her and I’m really worried about having a new baby. He doesn’t understand.

Jean Simons, our Helpline manager says:

“Kelly has expressed several issues frequently heard on the Helpline.  Many couples find it hard to fully understand their partner's feelings and reactions after the death of their baby. Acknowledging and trying to respect one another's grieving 'style' (whether this be a need to talk compulsively about the baby, or to become immersed in work or a hobby to avoid discussion) is vital. It is often helpful for someone outside the family, perhaps an FSID befriender, to offer listening support if one partner needs to talk and the other ( often temporarily) prefers not to.

When one of the partners did not know the baby, as in Kelly's situation, the bereaved parent can be isolated in their continuing feelings of grief, especially if the new partner (perhaps not unnaturally) is focussing mainly on the prospect of a new baby.  It may be helpful for the partners to be able to explain to each other how they feel, without expecting to be perfectly "understood" .  Maybe they can acknowledge how much understanding and support the bereaved parent will need if a new baby is planned.  Both partners may like to talk things over with a Helpline advisor or befriender, and certainly, if a new baby is expected, the CONI scheme can give great support and reassurance.

To find out about Befrienders or to see if there is a CONI scheme in your area contact our Helpline on 020 7233 2090 or send an email.”

We have a team of experts, including Helpline advisors, paediatricians, health visitors and coroners, who would be pleased to answer your questions.  If you have a question you would like please send us an email.  We will not put the question and answer on this page without your permission.